If you’ve spent time in therapy – or talk to anyone who has been in therapy – chances are good you’ve heard the words emotional regulation. That term gets thrown out there a lot, but do you really know what it means? And how do you go about doing it? Read on to find out more.

 

What Emotional Regulation Is – and What it Isn’t

Emotional regulation generally describes a person’s ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience. The cornerstone of emotional regulation is the ability to notice what you’re feeling, understand where it’s coming from, and then choose how you respond, rather than just reacting.

 

Emotional regulation does NOT mean controlling your emotions or never feeling those hard feelings. It also doesn’t mean remaining calm all the time, always thinking positively, or pushing through every emotion or situation without complaint. The key part of regulation is response, not suppression.

 

For an emotionally regulated person, it’s possible to feel angry without saying something you’ll regret. You can feel anxious without cancelling plans. You can feel sad without spiraling into despair. Instead, an emotion moves through you rather than taking over.

 

But for many people, regulation is more difficult. If you grew up in a home where emotions were brushed off or never talked about, you may not have much experience handling big emotions. Suppression, ignoring, and exploding were the only options available.

 

Trauma, chronic stress, and emotional neglect can also affect your nervous system in ways that make emotional regulation more challenging. How do you react when things get tense? Do you blow your top very quickly? Or maybe you shut down completely. Both are nervous system responses that may have helped at one time but no longer serve you. Luckily, you can change those responses.

 

What Does Poor Emotional Regulation Look Like?

When you think about emotional dysregulation, it’s easy to picture dramatic outbursts and fits of rage. But the truth is, dysregulation is usually much less dramatic. It can look like:

• Shutting down amid conflict
• Rehashing conversations for hours (Or even days.)
• Saying things you don’t mean when overwhelmed
• Avoiding situations that might bring up difficult feelings
• Feeling disconnected or numb when things get hard
• Crying and not knowing why
• Snapping at people over small things
• Struggling to let go of something that happened weeks ago

If any of these responses look familiar, you’re not alone. The good news is that with a few skills, dysregulation doesn’t have to be a permanent way of life.

 

How do I Learn to Regulate?

There are some practical skills you can learn to help you better regulate your emotions. Remember, emotional regulation isn’t just one main thing, but rather several skills that work in different situations.

1. Give it a Name
   Research shows that identifying an emotion (either out loud or in writing) lessens its intensity. The more specific you can be, the better. I feel rejected. I feel embarrassed. I feel scared. Those statements are more useful than simply saying, “I feel bad.”
2. Work with Your Body
   Did you know that emotions are physical before they’re cognitive? It’s true! But in order to think your way through an emotion, your nervous system needs to come down from activation first. That’s why things like breathing exercises, a quick walk, or splashing cold water on your face can help. These physical interruptions signal to your nervous system that you’re safe.
3. Pause
   There is a space between stimulus and response, and the goal of emotional regulation is to make that space bigger. That might mean you don’t send a text or email immediately. Perhaps you choose to take a few minutes before continuing a conversation. Small pauses can prevent big blowups.
4. Know Your Triggers
   Everyone has something that bothers them, but true triggers are specific cues – a phrase, a tone of voice, a situation, a facial expression – that activates an old emotional response. When you’re triggered, you may not be fully responding to what’s happening right now, but rather to what the trigger reminds you of. Some of the most important work you can do (with a therapist) is to learn more about your triggers.
5. Build Tolerance
   Window of tolerance was first coined by psychologist Dan Siegel to describe the zone in which you can function well – you’re engaged, present, and responsive. Too much activation leads to being overwhelmed. Too little and you shut down. The goal of regulation skills is to widen that window over time. Things that once made you blow your top can start to feel more manageable because you’ve built more capacity to hold them.

Can Therapy Help?

 

Yes! In fact, emotional regulation is one of the most common things people work on in therapy – and one of the most transformative. Once you know you can handle big emotions without being ruled by them, many things start to improve. Communication gets better. Relationships get easier. You feel better able to live with your emotions. That’s huge!

 

You don’t have to figure this out on your own. Therapy is one of the most effective ways to build emotional regulation skills, especially if underlying issues are deep-seated. Call 402.545.0500 today to make an appointment with a licensed therapist who can help you build emotional regulation skills that will serve you well.